life as an army wife: Its not ok : rape

life as an army wife: Its not ok : rape: "This is a touchy subject for me but I feel like i must touch on it... when i was younger i was raped.. not going in to detail but i know tha..."

Its not ok : rape

This is a touchy subject for me but I feel like i must touch on it... when i was younger i was raped.. not going in to detail but i know that to this day i still feel like it is my fault.. if i had done this... if i had been better... if i was loved by god he would have protected me..All of these reasons flew through my head apart from one. . . ITS NOT YOUR FAULT...

Its almost been nine years since it had happened.. the man i was raped by is/was family , i had asked him what was sex. I had always asked questions and done what i could to better understand things and at that point in time in my life i wanted to know more about sex.. said man had apologized after it but continued to do it every time i saw him weather it be with his fingers or other parts. he claimed that demons made him do it to me and in my mind i had thought what he said was true and i never told a soul until i met my real mom i had thought most of my life that my aunt was my mom until i took since then i figured it out, and they all finally told me..

At first i felt this uncontrollable rage than i felt like the floor had just fallen from my feet... but i think most of all i felt relief for me this was a new start so for my 13th birthday i asked if said family could find her i only hoped that she would want me and my brother and would give me a reason for her leaving me and my brother.

i got kicked out of where i was staying so i had to move in with her and when i told her she was so mad that some one had touched me and i finally heard those words its not your fault... although i heard the words i did not feel it.. my mom told my dad and he said no way could said person do that she must be lying u do know that is all she does... but at least i had one person who believed me and that helped she asked if i wanted to go after him i felt like if i did i would lose my dad my brother and i would lose a part of my self. to this day i have not pushed going after him i felt like it was to late and no one believed me any ways so what was the point...

I realize the point was closer to the world of pain said man had brought upon me, the only justice i have is that he is dieing of some form of lung disease but to me that is not enough but i will take what i can ..i now know that rape will mess some one up so bad they will try to kill them self's i was one of them... i have learned allot in the past 9 years but one was to move forward but never forget the past cause some times it shapes us to who we will become and if we try to change for the better we might end up helping some one else in the process..

Some of what i have learned was from my family some from friends and some  from my husband who has seen me at one of my worst times in my life..

I want to send out love to all those who have been affected by rape even if u dont report it please get help for your not the victem but know some one who was it could mean the difference between being a good friend and being a great friend who saved a life...

life as an army wife: children grow to fast

life as an army wife: children grow to fast: "sorry i have not been on in the last couple of days I broke my computer well its actually a laptop but any ways since than I have started po..."

children grow to fast

sorry i have not been on in the last couple of days I broke my computer well its actually a laptop but any ways since than I have started potty training my little one.

The first two days were the hardest i think but as u go on you soon relize that you are not the only mother who has thought ur child to go to the bathroom.. so there is this great site for all of the ups and downs of either being a mom , dad , or care taker. There are even boards for loss and grife, for trying to get pregnant to being pregnant. Lost train of thought lol that happens alot to me. . .

 Back to what i had said before i lost track of my thought, i have a very fiesty 2 year old so i had thought potty training would be a pain my rear. So far not really but there are days i just dont feel like moving and its not her fault but i still get up and make sure she is fed and she goes potty..

 It seems like just yesterday i was finding out i was gonna have a baby at 18 which scared me but i did it any ways. I think i found out in one of the weirdest ways i thought possible i was at M.E.P.S for the Army and thats where i found out i fell to the floor and did not stop cry'n for at least an hour i thought my life was over, and i found out it was only the beging of something new and amazing..

 As i write this i am amazed at how much my life has changed not as a person but a parent as well i birthed a child who is a pain in the rear and i have raised her fed her and loved her when has not felt so good. i have only recently become a wife an army wife at that! this is not what i expected from my life but it is way better i love every minute well almost. I hate deployment it can kiss me where the sun does not shine lol..


p.s.

https/babycenter.com is a good website for moms and dads or people who lost there child in any way including a mischarrage

life as an army wife: Finding Faith in this world

life as an army wife: Finding Faith in this world: " Today was my cousins sons birthday, which by the way started out with drama. My poor cousin was so stressed out already about the party and..."

Finding Faith in this world

 Today was my cousins sons birthday, which by the way started out with drama. My poor cousin was so stressed out already about the party and her "friend" had called her with another situation so on top of throwing this birthday party that she had to move from outside to inside due to weather conditions. She had that on top of it. . .  She had to clean the bathroom before the party but her "friend" kept calling her away and I don't know her "friend" very well so i could not help her that way so instead I informed those I could about the sudden change in plans. I had also had to do some things but i wanted to be dressed and ready before the guests arrived only that didn't happen so after some of them arrived was i able to get dressed I had already got my daughter ready so all I really had to do was take care of my self and the one chore i was supposed to do , but never got around to doing it...

 So when finally every thing was looking up they dropped back down again yes that is  right something bad happened her guests that no one knew arrived and she was gone getting the cake, ice-cream , and pizza for the party and her boyfriend wasn't really there for most of the party he shows up late in a not so good mood and didn't really socialize with much of any one. My cousin disappeared out -side for a while I guess she was having a panic attack but she didn't tell any one. The good thing is the kids got to play out-side for a while wile she got every thing from dinner picked up and the table cleaned. . .  When it was time she gathered them up yes there is a good amount of kids in our family but back to the story than present time her son would not smile at all, all he wanted was to open the presents I understand he is only 4 but  this kid never smiles.

  It was getting neat cake time when one of the kids had to leave and the person who is taking care of her is a preachers wife well minsters wife came to pick the child up... So while I had the chance i asked her about her church, which if you know me is one of those no way you did what kinda things. So as i was asking her questions about her church I started to think would it be a good idea for me to introduce my child to this, would this help me through my husbands up coming deployment would I better understand my reason on this earth??? I think it might be a good way to have my daughter socialize with other kids but she is really shy and she is gonna hate having to get up before noon we are late risers only because I can not for the life or death of me get my child to take a nap..

 But still the question  in my head remains can one find religion in the world we live in now?