healing

for those who read this blog i posted not that long ago that i had lost a baby and that i was grieving over the loss.. well i take a step each day to heal, my daughter has helped and so has my husband. he is hurt but i dont think he understands quite yet that it has really affected me in such a way. some times i cant describe that way cause even am unsure of it as of right now.

each day i am alive i do my best not to think about our angel baby and take each day as it comes, but some times it hits me like a ton of bricks. almost like the world is on my chest even tho i know that i have family who will be there. i feel like i already been too much on them already, i was a hard teen to deal with. even though i was like that i knew that one day i would like to become a mother.
 
i got that even though it was before i wanted i wanted to be older but the fates think it funny to give us more than we can handle at times. i knew that i would keep that baby and i knew that it was a girl./ every one else told me that it would be a boy, well it turns out i was right. i love her more than the world. i miss my angel baby but i guess it wasn't time for us to have it.

i feel we should be grateful that we are still alive no matter what, even at rock bottom there is some hope for us. i want hope for now and for our children and so on so forth.

loss and grief

like many people am struggling not only with life and money but with pain and greif of what would have, what should have.

i am writing now not as naive as i once was i knew loss or at least i thought i did until i lost a baby. one that i never even got to meet. i call it my angel baby. my husband and i have been struggling with finding work after his discharge from the army. but we try and take it on day at a time. i know that we are lucky that we have one perfect child she is healthy helpful and loving.

i found out i was expecting again in April and i was in shock and i didn't know if i was ready. if i would be able to love this one as much as my daughter but i knew i would try. i was told it was normal to feel this way. so with every thing we took it one day at a time. i had spotting i was told that is normal as well but in my heart i knew this one was not the same and know each are different.

i tried to keep my self busy and tryd to keep my mind off the fact i didn't feel pregnant.  we saw the heart beat at 7 weeks 5 days and just this past Saturday i was spotting so i went to the er and found out the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks . i was so heart broken but i know am not the only one to experience this. i had a follow up with my ob and she set me up for a D&C. i said goodbye to this baby today and am sad that i will never get to meet him/her.

i am learning to accept things i cant change and live life like i never had before. even in our mohters womb we are not guaranteed to live. it is nothing short of a miracle that we are alive!  give your babies an extra hug just to let them know how much they mean to you even if some days you want to pull your hair out.