healing

for those who read this blog i posted not that long ago that i had lost a baby and that i was grieving over the loss.. well i take a step each day to heal, my daughter has helped and so has my husband. he is hurt but i dont think he understands quite yet that it has really affected me in such a way. some times i cant describe that way cause even am unsure of it as of right now.

each day i am alive i do my best not to think about our angel baby and take each day as it comes, but some times it hits me like a ton of bricks. almost like the world is on my chest even tho i know that i have family who will be there. i feel like i already been too much on them already, i was a hard teen to deal with. even though i was like that i knew that one day i would like to become a mother.
 
i got that even though it was before i wanted i wanted to be older but the fates think it funny to give us more than we can handle at times. i knew that i would keep that baby and i knew that it was a girl./ every one else told me that it would be a boy, well it turns out i was right. i love her more than the world. i miss my angel baby but i guess it wasn't time for us to have it.

i feel we should be grateful that we are still alive no matter what, even at rock bottom there is some hope for us. i want hope for now and for our children and so on so forth.

loss and grief

like many people am struggling not only with life and money but with pain and greif of what would have, what should have.

i am writing now not as naive as i once was i knew loss or at least i thought i did until i lost a baby. one that i never even got to meet. i call it my angel baby. my husband and i have been struggling with finding work after his discharge from the army. but we try and take it on day at a time. i know that we are lucky that we have one perfect child she is healthy helpful and loving.

i found out i was expecting again in April and i was in shock and i didn't know if i was ready. if i would be able to love this one as much as my daughter but i knew i would try. i was told it was normal to feel this way. so with every thing we took it one day at a time. i had spotting i was told that is normal as well but in my heart i knew this one was not the same and know each are different.

i tried to keep my self busy and tryd to keep my mind off the fact i didn't feel pregnant.  we saw the heart beat at 7 weeks 5 days and just this past Saturday i was spotting so i went to the er and found out the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks . i was so heart broken but i know am not the only one to experience this. i had a follow up with my ob and she set me up for a D&C. i said goodbye to this baby today and am sad that i will never get to meet him/her.

i am learning to accept things i cant change and live life like i never had before. even in our mohters womb we are not guaranteed to live. it is nothing short of a miracle that we are alive!  give your babies an extra hug just to let them know how much they mean to you even if some days you want to pull your hair out.

welcome home

what happens when the plan lands and the soldiers come home?
do we continue like they never left or we do learn to accept them as they are as new people? 

 well i found out when my husband came home he was not the same person as when he left his eyes were colder and he had lost some of him self. he came home safe with very few scares on his body he was one of the lucky ones you would think. some would think that coming home would be great a big party get to see ones they missed over seas but what they don't mention is the horrors that they had seen. the buddies they lost they don't speak of them for they fear it will show a weakness to cry.

some who come home have lost limbs or more, some lose pieces of there soul while others lose there life, and i think there poor families they don't have the one person they loved. but i also think that they are lucky that they don't have to live with what they had done every day that they have left on this earth. yes i know i sound cold, but to those wife's who lose there husband to depression they lose the man. they lose more then just him they lose a lover and some times even a father as an army mans wife we must pick up some of the pieces lost by what they witnessed. even after they  get home we still have much to do. as some will tell you a women's work is never done.

as a wife we must learn to love them for who they are now and they must in turn love who we have become and it is a long road one paved with many hardships but if one is willing to put in the work they will have a ship that most will be jealous of.

some scares are more than skin deep.

time for change

         In every ones life change comes weather we want it to or not and right now its time for my life to change. My husband is getting discharged and now its time for life to change for all of us, starting with finding jobs or going to school, maybe even both. Which means less time with baby girl, it makes me wonder if she will resent us for what life has brought. Weather we will be lucky and get jobs that will provide us with what we need to survive.
     Being as it is a season for the unexpected i can only hope that with that good fortune comes our way.i can only hope that we will be lucky enough for one of us to get a job and then the other. 

   But on a happier note the winter solstice is  on its way which means that Christmas is just around the corner so we got our tree out and its done thank goodness yay and baby girl put the topper on the tree..

faith

well hmm i think its been about a week since i last blogged and i find that in some strange way it helps me.... lol 

So i was looking at my stats and i found that i had a lot of page views on my finding faith in this world..but i have come to recetly learn that faith is not always in a god per-say but rather in ones self to become what they want instead of wishing on a star. There are alot of good people out in the world but who says they all are christian calthoic or jewish or any of the other main stream religions. I have found out that to have faith in a deity that one must have some faith in them self's other wise we wouldnt have faith in the first place. if am wrong please correct me but if life gives you a chance to live why not have a bit of faith that it was for a reason.

If faith and life were so different why would we even be alive we must have faith that our child will come out all right and even the child doesnt do we love them any less? i think not being as we had faith they would be alright and as long as we at least get to know them then why not have a little faith that one day for those who have angel babies that one day and i hope soon that they will have a perfect child. i might be a little of course today but am finally writing whats in my heart!

i think that if we as people have trust and love then we can be better and make a better world by having faith in our selfs and trusting that we as one will make it better and in the end we will thank our god/goddess for the strength although it was really us all along with a little guidance.

so my advice is be your self and have faith that you will be accepted!

life

well its been awhile but am back i have done some soul searching, i found out that i seem to like the healthier food to me its like super yummy. lol. As of late i have found myself and i will never let some one bring me down let alone another mom who thinks she knows more or will judge me for who i am and who i chose to be... Ok so that was off topic but lol its life.

so like i said i have found my self or at least i have more sense to not let some one get to me. As for my life as an army wife well that has gotten more changeling my husband is deployed and am alone with my daughter who is getting to become some little brat i dont know!but than again she will be three in about five and a half months so that is great!! 

and some times am lucky and i get to hear his voice which lights up my day but the bed is still cold at night (even though its over 100)but i am pretty sure some of you know what i mean.... but at least i dont have to steal back the covers from him at night... 

A few months ago he came home for r&r, we went to the beach it was baby girls first time ever going to the beach... she had a blast but so did i and daddy.. but daddy forgot her sunblock which ended in a bad sun burn for all of us... but luckily my dad lives near the beach so he saved us well my step mom did although i will never look at vinager the same way again.... we had to spray our bodies with it man did it stink but in the long run it helped.

The very next day we went to Disneyland all sunburnt and only lasted about four hours total which really sucked.but after we rested we felt better and went back later that night which was fun and it felt good to rest for sure. than later we went back to las vegas and got tattoos that celebrated our baby girls birth(over two years later)...  

as for the pictures on the blog they are of my daughter my husband me and my tattoos

pride

Ok so its been awhile but i was ran off by some one saying i was white trash which hurt but that doesnt matter am ok now. So now i will be myself from now on  I am proud to be who i am. I have heard people say life is what you make it now am gonna make it the best i can for me and my family. Starting with me am going back to school online but am gonna do it and i know i can i will make it.

As of right now its all talk i will prove it to myself that i can make it.. I will make myself do it am proud and i have pride. 
My husband is now deployed and i miss him but he came home for r&r we went to Disneyland and my baby girl got to see tinkerbell and another fairy. After she had visited the beach and got a really bad sunburn i felt so bad for her, but mommy and daddy got one as well it hurt just as bad and lasted longer lucky little girl.....